The past couple of months haven’t been my best. I didn’t live up to my obligations, and rather than face them head on I panicked and ran away from them. It happens to the best of us, I suppose…but it doesn’t mean it’s okay.
I could say that it’s because I took on more than I could handle, and as a result dropped all of the balls1 while trying to juggle them.
I could say that it’s because I said “yes” to things I should have said “no” to, either because I had a lack of passion or excitement for them…or simply didn’t have the time to do them justice.
I could say that that I underestimated the challenges of staying at home and being with the kids while still trying to write and do my work.
No matter what I could say, I’m at fault. And if you were one of those that expected more from me and got less, I truly apologize. I can’t undo what I’ve done (or not done), but I am going to do my damndest to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Ever again.
There will be open loops where there should be closed ones as a result of my lack of follow-through. Some of them I can close and some I can’t.
There will be relationships tarnished — some of which had just been forged. Those ones may even be broken beyond repair. I’ll have to deal with that and hope that my future work can overshadow the mistakes made over these past couple of months.
There will be blemishes on my reputation. I’ll have to work twice as hard to erase them. And some of them won’t come off at all no matter how hard I work to get rid of them.
While I spent this long weekend wrapping my head around Markdown, I also spent it contemplating how I wanted to handle my problematic spell. This piece was what won out.
Now if it comes off as self-righteous, then so be it. I knew going into writing it that there was a real chance it would. But it’s also therapeutic for me to write this. It gives me a catalyst for a clean break from an irresponsible couple of months and a fresh outlook and resolve for the ones ahead.
Some of those that I let I down will read this, and some won’t. Many who read this will have no idea as to what (or whom) I’m referring to in this piece, and that’s more than fine. But there’s still something to be gained from this piece for those folks as well.
Hopefully this piece will give all of you a moment to think about whether or not you’ve been or went down this road before — perhaps even as recently as I have. Better still, I hope it prevents you from heading down that path again. Because it’s a very slippery slope…and there’s nothing to break your fall when you hit bottom.
I knew there were cracks in my foundation, and yet I didn’t do anything to stop them from shifting me into a full-blown disaster area. The fault lines were there, but I chose to ignore them and try to go onward and upward.
The problem with fault lines is that when they break, the only place you can go is down.
1 C’mon, I’m a humourist. I need to offer a bit of funny business. Even in a post as serious in tone as this.